By Yemisi Olusina
Whether you call it white, black or brown lie, a lie is a lie and we all tell it. We say, “I’m fine,” when we’re not and even compliment unwanted gifts. But real honesty which includes allowing our partners to know who we are is the best ingredient to keep the fire of any relationship burning.
Trust is fragile and is very essential to any long-lasting relationship. Secrets and lies on the other hands, jeopardize trust and can damage us and our relationships sometimes irreparably.
If you are still at a loss on what we are talking about, it is about the ugly side of deception. Deception includes making ambiguous or vague statements, telling half-truths, manipulating information, exaggeration, or minimization, and withholding feelings or information that is important to someone who has a right to know.
Although we may consider ourselves honest, few of us reveal all our negative thoughts and feelings about the people we are close to. It requires courage to be vulnerable and authentic.
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Keeping secrets and telling lies are not without consequences. Below are some of such fall-outs.
- They block real intimacy with a partner. Intimacy is based on trust and authenticity, it is the ability to be vulnerable or “naked,” not only physically, but also emotionally to one’s partner.
- They lead to cover-up lies and omissions that can be hard to remember. These mount up, and if the truth comes out, it may be more hurtful than the original secret. The longer the truth is hidden, the greater becomes the hurdle of revelation, for it would bring into question every instance of cover-up and all times the innocent partner relied upon and trusted the betrayer.
- The secret holder feels guilty, or at least uncomfortable, during intimate moments with the deceived person.
- Closeness and certain topics tend to be avoided. Avoidance may not even be conscious and can include things like being preoccupied with work, friends, hobbies, or addictive behavior, and doing activities that leave little opportunity for private conversations. The deceiver might even provoke an argument to create distance.
- This violation of our values not only leads to guilt; it also affects our self-concept.
Over a long period, deception can eat away at our self-esteem. Ordinary guilt that could be reversed with honesty now becomes shame and undermines our fundamental sense of dignity and worthiness as a person. The gap between the self we show others and how we feel inside widens.
- We hide not only the secret, but more of who we are. We might build resentments to justify our actions, withdraw, or become critical, irritable, or aggressive. We rationalize our lie or secret to avoid the inner conflict and the danger we imagine awaits us if we come clean. Some people become obsessed with their lie, to the point that they have difficulty concentrating on anything else. Other people are able to compartmentalize their feelings or rationalize their actions to better manage dishonesty. Compartmentalization and denying, rationalizing (“What my partner doesn’t know won’t hurt him/her”), or minimizing (“I only did it once”) are psychological defenses that help us deal with inner conflict and an undesirable reality. They can be so effective that the liar is convinced that lying supports the relationship. He or she may not want to face the hurt or choices that the truth could precipitate.
- Research reveals that lying leads to health complaints.
- It leads to such feelings as feeling confused, anxious, angry, suspicious, abandoned, or needy. They may begin to doubt themselves, and their self-esteem may suffer. Often, victims of betrayal need counseling to recover from the loss of trust and to raise their self-esteem.
How much should couples reveal?
Secrets about things such as addiction, criminality, and mental illness can lead to real risks, along with chronic shame and family dysfunction. Most times, children always know that something’s wrong, but denial undermines their self-trust and reality testing.
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In a sexual relationship, we have a right to know our partner’s intentions and fidelity for emotional as well as medical reasons. Often, faithful partners rationalise or deny this need and their vulnerability to their emotional detriment. By not asking questions or expressing their needs, they enable and collude in deception for the same reason that the betrayer is dishonest or secretive. When there’s been betrayal, even if the couple stays together, seeds of distrust linger and sometimes poison the relationship.
How to go about it
Full disclosure may be necessary to rebuild a broken marriage. Studies also show that people who have good self-esteem and a high opinion of their partner are more likely to forgive him or her.
For everyone involved, the pain of the secrecy compounds the pain over the initial event, and the longer the deception continues, the more damaging it is to self-esteem. Ideally, before revealing the truth to the person we’ve lied to, it’s helpful to have accepted our mistakes; otherwise, our shame and guilt can be obstacles to genuine empathy for the person we’ve harmed.
First, talk to someone non-judgmental whom you trust, or seek counseling. If we’ve forgiven ourselves, we’re in a better position to answer questions and face the anger and hurt feelings that we’ve caused.
Considering the weight of the consequences of keeping secrets on the parties involved is enough to caution anyone guilty already and others that may be contemplating to do so in the future.
Dear women, such lies about children’s school fees, housekeeping allowances and others have ruined many homes and spoilt better plans for victims in some cases. So, in this New Year, try and remain honest as much as possible to your husbands. The same goes for men also. Being dishonest has robbed some of good luck and cause them to run into trouble that shouldn’t ordinarily be their lot. So, be straight forward, stay clean, do not try to cut corners with your wives and you will not only sleep soundly everyday, you will also stay happy.
If your hands remain on deck to be honest with each other, the effects on your children will simply be Waoh! They will not only learn the habit of honesty, they will also make you happy.
