By Yemisi Olusina
In this part of the world and in spite of the daily occurrence of death-related violence among couples, the society still attached much importance to the marriage institution.
It still sees the unmarried as a failure and gives lots of regards to those married. The married are respected and honoured by all regardless of age. They are the ones considered for honourable positions at work places, they are more trusted and are entrusted with quality decision-making posts. Even at religious gatherings, they are the ones qualified to occupy leadership positions.
Records, however, keep showing that more marriages these days, break even before they are made.
While some relationship experts have observed reasons ranging from finance, pride, bad temperament to lack of trust, unnecessary suspicions as well as peer group influence, others say if most of the couples involved have considered some of the tell-tales signs of a failing marriage, they possibly would have saved many or at the worst walk out of them alive and with their shoulders raised very high.
READ ALSO: We have to learn to put ourselves first – Yetunde Babaeko, advertising photographer, artist
Unfortunately, most women stay put in many ill-fated marriages just to please the society.
How then does anyone decipher a failing marriage? “It is when it no longer ignites the fire as it used to be before you two got married. When it becomes boring,” says a marriage counselor, Mrs Comfort Oyinlola.
According to Oyinlola, a marriage is boring and will hit the rock in a matter of time, if it begins to manifest two or more of the following signs:
- You rarely have sex
When your relationship gets totally sexless or if you’re having sex less than 10 times a year, the counselor says, there is a problem at hand. According to her, it’s intimacy that separates a romantic relationship from all other sorts of relationships you might have. “A lack of visible physical affection like kissing or hugging is also indicative of a real problem.”
2.When you rarely have nothing to say to each other
When something comes up in life, whether that’s a work event or any accomplishment and your partner isn’t the first person you’re sharing it with or one of the firsts, Oyinlola says that it may be a signal that “you prefer to get your needs met outside the relationship.” She points out that not having any meaningful conversations aside from rudimentary conversations about chores and things that need to get done is a warning sign that your relationship is not in a good shape.
- You’re with each other…but not really with each other
If for instance, the two of you are in the same room and one person is on the computer, the other is watching TV, Oyinlola says, there is a problem. “If you find that you’re never actively engaging each other in anything when you’re together, it is an indication that there’s disconnection, or a lack of connection.” And no relationship blossoms without strong connection.
- If you are in the marriage against your instinct
Naturally, our instincts often speak to us on the direction or steps we should take on issues. This instinct, it is, that will tell you first when a relationship just isn’t working but most times, we don’t always trust that voice. We often ignore it. It comes usually in a very quiet and calm manner. This is why it’s hard to pay attention to it.
But if you find your responses are things like, “I don’t feel safe to express myself, I don’t feel respected and haven’t felt happy in a long time,” that’s a sign that things have gone awry and you shouldn’t ignore it.
The truth doesn’t go away simply because we don’t want it to be there; that voice stays in the background and weighs you down.
READ ALSO: How private schools promote examination malpractice
If you will try and trust this inner feeling of yours more, it will become easier to understand and act on its instructions.
- When other people’s needs and problems preoccupy you
Many women stay in relationships longer than they should because they tend to put the needs of others before their own.
And since women often naturally take on the role of caretakers, they can lose parts of their own identity and a sense of their own needs in the process.
This is very wrong as it is a form of distraction from your own issues. “A woman needs to stop distracting herself from things that will make her happy by putting other people’s needs ahead of her own,” says the counselor.
“If you persist, as a woman, this can only mean that you are avoiding your own painful truth.”
So if you find yourself getting unnecessarily involved in a fight between your mother and sister, or you’re always rushing around trying to make other people’s lives easier, it might be time to take a hard look at your own relationship.
