By Yemisi Olusina
- If the distance between you keeps growing.
One way to distinguish between a run-of-the-mill marital rut and a loveless marriage is to ask yourself how long the situation has been that way and whether it’s been steadily worsening. “Most couples go through rough times, but if the difficulties last more than two years, with no sign of relief, I’d recommend seeking professional help,” she said.
And sooner is always better to avoid passing the point of no return. “It would be ideal if we could tune into our longings and needs well before we get to the point that the love we once had is dead,” added Oyinlola. It is absolutely out of place to wait for years like most couples do before recognising a problematic relationship by which time it’s often too late.
- When fantasising about a life without your spouse has become an habit.
If you often imagine a happy future without your partner, then things are simply not right. It is an indication that there is an emotional detachment process happening between the two of you. If you keep saying to yourself that you don’t care anymore, then separation is simply underway. Fantasising about having an affair or making plans for the future that don’t include your partner can all be signs that you’ve fallen out of love. If you notice this mental pattern, another psychologist, Mr. Emmanuel Ibe, advised that you take it a step further to see if the fantasy holds weight such that you think of checking out for a new apartment for you only. If you feel excited or relieved by the whole idea, it may be a sign to acknowledge that there are serious problems in your marriage. But where you are scared or apprehended about it, then try and take steps to address the situation.
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- When you no longer fight.
If you’ve given up fighting, but feel further away than ever, it’s a sign that you’ve reached a crossroads. “If there’s a fight and the couple doesn’t talk about what happened, or becomes gridlocked in their position and refuses to listen to their partner’s perspective, that’s not good,” observed Ibe. However, you might still be able to turn it around. “An unresolved conflict can fool us into thinking that our love is lost, when it’s actually only buried beneath the ashes of smouldering resentment and anger,” he added. In other words, the love could still be there, but you just can’t access it. To get back in touch with those feelings, turn toward your partner emotionally, which creates closeness and connection rather than ignoring them or responding negatively, which creates distance and disengagement. “What many don’t know is that couples need to fight time after time. Fights can lead to greater intimacy if the couple processes the fight and repairs the relationship,” said Ibe. It’s up to you to decide whether you’ve got it in you to turn toward your husband and give it one last go, or whether you’ve maxed out your ability to keep fighting for your relationship.
- If you have one or more of the big relationship destroyers
According to experts, there are four behaviors that are super-destructive to relationships. If one or more is present in your relationship, you could be on the fast track to lovelessness. Every time you criticize your partner by attacking, blaming, and putting the fault on them by flinging negative statements like, “You’re always running late,” or “You never do anything right,” you destroy your connection. If you continue being defensive and you refuse to accept responsibility, you mess up with the trust and goodwill in your marriage. If you have an attitude of contempt and call your partner names or make stinging, sarcastic remarks, you imply that you’re superior and your partner is defective. Every time you do this, or emotionally shut down instead of openly addressing the issues, you create more distance and dishonesty, rather than openness, communication, and love. If any or all of these sound familiar, schedule couples’ therapy to discuss why you do these things and how you can fix them.
- You don’t feel heard
When you sit down to talk with your spouse about what’s working and what isn’t, do you hear crickets? Or do you feel like nothing changes, no matter how vocal you are about your feelings? That’s a problem. The most powerful tool we have to resolve our conflicts is listening and understanding one another. “When we invite our partners to share what we’ve done to let them down, and when we truly listen and understand their feelings, decades of hurt and anger can easily fade away,” Ibe explained. So make a point of listening for the underlying emotions and messages in everyday issues.” Fights among couples are commonly about one or both feeling unappreciated, overwhelmed or unacknowledged.
- You’re on the verge of having an emotional affair
If you’re not happy with your husband, you might be falling into an emotional affair. Making another male the priority in your life is a pointer to a big problem.
- If you feel better in your friends’ company than your partner’s
Whether that friend of yours is a man or woman, as soon as he or she is comfortably taking your spouse’s position, you are definitely in a boring relationship. Research shows that in healthy marriages, couples celebrate each other’s successes. If your case is far from this scenario, you need to look inwards.
- You don’t look forward to spending quality time together
How often do you two bond after getting home from a long day of work? If you go your separate ways at home or to when you’re at parties, do you tend to do your own thing, there is a problem. If you’d rather be alone than with your husband, it probably means the relationship is boring.
- When night outs have become a thing of the past
If going out on dates has suddenly become “once upon a time,” in your relationship, the fire is gradually going out. Make an effort to get a couple outings on the schedule. Plan going out to watch a movie together, go night clubbing or a dinner at your favorite spot together and see if you can rekindle the flame. Marriages take work, and putting in the effort on things that bond you as a couple is part of that.
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- You’re not each other’s priority anymore
At the point you both said your “I dos,” you’re more or less making each other your top priority above anything and anyone else. When you begin to lose that essential part of your marriage, you can lose the person that once meant the world to you. If you’re not making your husband a priority in your life anymore or if he’s not making you his, it’s going to be really hard for that marriage to stay on a solid ground. Try going back to prioritizing your time together, each other’s feelings, and each other’s goals to get back into a healthy place before it’s too late.
- You’re feeling controlled
A relationship is potentially in trouble if one partner exercises control over the other. This is especially problematic if one partner feels over-controlled by the other spouse, and has made great attempts to verbalize his or her feelings and feels not heard. This plays up mostly where a spouse controls the finances of the family, and prohibits the other partner from having access to his or her own personal account.
- Your partner Is unwilling to work on the relationship
It’s very important for people to recognize that there are very few things that cannot be worked on and even repaired or resolved in a relationship. Even in instances of cheating, a resolve can still be reached. But if a partner isn’t willing to work on improving a troubled relationship, that’s a clear sign of trouble. After all, they say, “working on a relationship requires two willing participants. That means both partners have to be open to looking at their own stuff.”
Boredom is a psychological issue that can lead to all kinds of crimes in a man’s life. Topmost of this is depression, which records show is behind the rising suicide rate in the country. So, the advice is couples need to prevent it as much as possible in their relationships.
