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Dealing with a difficult mother-in-law

Whether your man falls in the category of those men who are fond of mentioning or referring to their mothers at any given discussion or not, as long as his mother or there is someone standing in as his mother, most brides, old and new, always have an axe to grind in their marital life.

Meanwhile, most of the time, these so-called mothers-in -law usually appeared nice before the marriage. Weeks or months into the marriage, they begin to show their other sides. Why is this so?

The truth is there are many reasons that may be responsible for this. Besides always being protective and feeling possessive of their sons, most of them simply want to lord their relevance on you, the daughter-in-law, to drive down their importance. And, of a fact, they are. They are the one through whom those guys you people now call ‘mine’, ‘my dear’, ‘sweetheart’, ‘my crown’ and so on and so forth, came to existence. That, the brides must admit and appreciate.

Since wives are clearly stranded with these mothers-in -law for the rest of their life, it becomes imperative for them to find a subtle way of dealing with each other.

First is the importance of spotting their attitudes and actions.

According to a relationship expert, Mr. Felicia Adeyemi, they are of different types.

The “never letting go” mother-in-law

She’s the type, who drops by at your place unannounced. And as if that is not enough, she goes on to offer to do the cleaning and washing in the house even though you’re perfectly capable. She’ll make meals for you and every other person in the family and tell you she “knows the way her son likes it best”. As far as she is concerned, no one can take care of her son better than she can (and she’s not even certain that he can take care of himself). “Well, to any wife, this is odd and hurtful. But then, you will realise that she’s living in the past. She obviously still sees her son as a toddler and she’ll fight to make sure that her son stays her “little boy,”Adeyemi noted.

Before you begin to curse the day you met her son, take a deep breath and come to the conclusion that it is your home and since she can never marry him, leaving his son can never be the solution. Try and see her behavior as one that stems from an identity crisis. Definitely, most of her life, she’s identified herself as a mother and she’s having trouble adjusting to the fact that she’s no longer needed as a full-time parent.

“Be patient and show her you value all the work she put into raising her son to be the wonderful man he is today – with the emphasis on man. Tell her about the decisions you’re making as a couple, and brag about his adult achievements to her. This way, you’re both still celebrating her son but in a more appropriate context. If she knows that she’s valued as a mother, and still an important part of her son’s life, she’ll make peace with her new role,” advised Adeyemi.

If she insists on some habits of her son as a child, brag more about some she is not familiar with now that he is grown. Do this in a subtle way to have her calmed.

The “new bestie” mother-in-law

She is the type that frequently tells others that you’re like a daughter to her. She may even refer to you, as one of her kids. She’ll talk openly with you about her personal life, and wants to hear intimate details about your personal life too, even those involving her son.

This type of mother-in-law usually has the best intentions, and it’s likely that she’s just lonely. She might even see being close to you, as a way of keeping close to her son. However, while you get along, be careful with the kind of personal information you make available to her because it might be used against you at another time in the future. Besides, it may make your partner uncomfortable if you and his mother begin spending all your time together, leaving him alone. So, some distance is a healthy way to go. If she brings up topics that you’re uncomfortable discussing, try changing the subject and politely let her know that you’re just not comfortable talking about some things, not even with your other girlfriends. The good news is that she probably genuinely values your connection and finds you interesting; use this upper hand to your advantage and allow the relationship to grow in an appropriate way.

The “meanie” mother-in -law

This particular mother-in-law doesn’t seem to be pleased with anything their daughter-in-law does.

Speaking about this particular mother-in-law, Adeyemi observed, “She’ll make nasty, nit-picking comments and backhanded compliments, but will insist that she was kidding if you get offended. When confronted, she’ll deny, deny, deny. In fact, she’ll insist that she only wants the best for both of you and that she’s crazy about you. On the surface, you could be mistaken for thinking she’s sweet as a pie. But beware, if she’s manipulative enough, she’ll paint herself, as the victim every time you catch her out making a comment and in the process, she’ll paint you as the devil.” She’ll never apologise, and if she does, it will be along the lines of “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you took it that way”.

How then do you live with her? You’re going to have to grin and bear it. She’s most likely fearful of being shut out of her son’s life, so try to alleviate her fear and include her wherever possible. You’ll need a thick skin to live with this kind of mother-in-law. If she makes a nasty comment, you have two options: Smile and change the subject, or be direct and call her out on it (politely, of course). She’s unlikely to change her behaviour, so you’ll need to adapt your behaviour to whatever makes you feel the least upset by her. If the drama gets to the point where something needs to be said, it’s best left to your partner (as whatever you do will most likely be seen as another effort from you to steal him from her). It will then be up to him to let her know that he won’t put up with negative comments made about you. During this time, you should stay right out of it.

The “mother knows best” mother-in-law

Just as it is described, this kind of mother-in-law is the type that will never shy away from giving advice or critiquing the way you do things. She’ll disguise needless criticism as helpful suggestions, picking away at every decision you make from what you wear to how you cook and clean, how you drive, how you handle your money and how you raise your kids

Anyone who’s hyper-critical usually has a poor sense of self-image. The best way to handle this is to smile and thank her for her suggestion, then continue to do things as you normally would. You can even re-direct her behaviour into ways that you would appreciate her input. For instance, let her know that you absolutely love the way she makes a particular dish and ask if she wouldn’t mind sharing the recipe with you. She’ll learn that positive appreciation always trumps unsolicited criticism.

At the end of the day, it’s important to remember that you can’t control someone else’s actions, but you can control how you react to them. Wherever possible, try and salvage the relationship with your mother-in-law because whether you like it or not, your husband exists due to “her effort.”

In plain words, no wife can successfully dissect or separate a mother from her child but many times, there have been instances where wives have been separated from their husbands over issues, involving mothers-in-law. To maintain your sanity and keep your home, it is important that you study your mother-in-law very well long before you marry her son, get familiar with her peculiarities and prepare to tackle her in the most responsible ways that will not present you, as a bad daughter-in-law.

 

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